weapons

I won’t really get a weapon. At least nothing more than a baseball bat. A friend suggested the best weapon I could get is a camera. I wish my first instinct was to call the police. I don’t know why I engaged in an argument with that angry man. I don’t know why my first instinct is to fight. But I know that all of the times that I have been confronted with violence, and there have been more than a few, I have fought. Without thinking, I have struck back.

It surprises me. My rational mind is that of a pacifist. I am basically a pacifist except when I am high on adrenaline and fear. The poor Peruvian men who jumped me many years ago felt the rush of my anger. There were three of them trying to rob a friend and I was we hiked up a trail above the beach in Supe, Peru. I got really strong, really fast and grabbed the one that was jumping my friend and pushed him off the steep path. The other two ran away rather than facing this crazy wild American.

Then there was the time in Berkeley when someone threw a small boulder through the front door. I started screaming “get out of my house, get out of my house….” Jay and the dog slept through the screaming even. As soon as I knew the intruder was gone I called the police.

I have found my force and my anger are a sufficient weapon against violence. I think that was some of my surprise Sunday night. This young man was going to stay and fight back. He did not run from my anger. I think that frightened me even more. It was part of why I was pacing and looking for a weapon. I was afraid that his bravado might bring him back.

So, what does it mean to be a pacifist who has no doubt they will fight back when confronted or attacked? I can’t truly call myself a pacifist. I know that I won’t turn the other cheek in physical confrontations. And I know that once the adrenaline wore off, I prayed. I prayed as hard as I could. I prayed for those young men. I prayed that Jesus himself would come to them and talk to them about their actions. I prayed again to Jesus that he intervene and stop this violence and hatred. I don’t expect my prayers to be answered. Buy I wonder. I wonder about a religion whose scriptures preach love but whose pulpits preach intolerance. I wonder about a religion whose scriptures tell us to love our neighbor as ourselves but who labels those neighbors as being in need of conversion. I wonder about a religion that uses its scriptures as a weapon. I wonder where Jesus is in all this chaos and hatred.